She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize