But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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