I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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