I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
