I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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