You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
