Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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