I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
