I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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