You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize