So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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