probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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