did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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