I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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