he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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