he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Randomize
