She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
