If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just high enough for therapy.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
