I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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