drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
