you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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