theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
they're like a gay fantastic four
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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