Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
