What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
