No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
