Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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