bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
