Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
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