You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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