I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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