You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
