Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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