I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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