??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
