I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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