she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Drunk is not a location!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
