Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize