the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
