You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
