Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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