found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Randomize
