Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
