he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
