cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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