shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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