you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
