I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
