He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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