I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
