He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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