i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize