Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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