I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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