you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
