He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
