Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize