Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My feet surprised me
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