I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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