my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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