You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
