It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
