i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
