She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
