PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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