I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
