I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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