Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
