i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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