In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
